thingity things

[fairydusted]

so i just want to preface this by saying that this is pretty much past-tense, but i wanted to actually rip off the bandaid and get it out so that we can have an open dialogue about it, which might help me 100% get over it.

so obviously i used to have feelings for you. i sat on them for like two years because our friendship is so important to me that i didn't want to even almost jeopardize it. i started working up the courage to come out with it, but by the time i was close enough, you were already having feelings for senora jerkface. which, of course, was devastating. i tried the best i could to be there for you, but i couldn't tell you what was bothering me without complicating things for you even more. i remember i tried to breach the subject once, by telling you i had something i wanted to talk to you about after everything got settled, and it seemed to make you uncomfortable so i never brought it up again. after that i kind of forced myself to get over it.

honestly, the more i think about it, the more i realize that even though we compliment each other really well, if that translated into an actual relationship, there's a high probability that we'd end up resenting each other, and i couldn't stand that. i think that because i know that, i'm not as bummed about it as i used to be.

to be entirely truthful, i'd be the most elated person in the world if we ended up as only friends. seriously, i value our friendship so much that i was utterly terrified of the idea that being honest about this would make it weird and ultimately ruin it. i didn't want you to to start thinking that anything i said or did came from a place with ulterior motives, because that's disgusting and untrue. i also didn't want you to think that shipping our characters gives me the wrong idea, because that is also super untrue. i love our ridiculous ships so much, and i know those are entirely separate from us, no matter how like those characters we tend to be.

most of all though, i didn't want you to be uncomfortable in any way, but i was kinda like, super making myself uncomfortable in the process.

i know it's not fair to either of us for me to keep something like that bottled up, and i know you're probably upset that i did in the first place. you always tell me to not keep things to myself, but with this i felt like i had to. by the time we started hanging out again and everything was cool, i just didn't want to ruin all the fun we'd been having. i kept telling myself i'd look for an opportunity and tell you eventually, but until then just enjoy our time together because you're my favorite person to hang out with.

but i wanted to start an honest conversation about it because you're having feelings for someone now and i sincerely want to support you. i think having this bottled up stands in the way of that, and i don't want it to, because i care about you and i need to be on your side without that kind of distraction.

i intend to be entirely honest about what i'm feeling from here on out though, so you don't have to worry about me keeping big secrets from you. i'm so sorry that i kept this quiet for as long as i did, but i just couldn't stand the thought of losing you over something like this. which sounds so stupid, but irrational fear is pretty much my middle name.

if you're not down to openly talk about it because it makes you feel weird, that's okay too. i guess just having it out there helps, and it might give you a frame of reference so you can have a better understanding of where i'm coming from if i ever seem a little distant or uncharacteristically quiet. i'm just trying to work through some stuff.




i feel like the reactions i get when i hear about her aren't even necessarily the romantic type of jealousy, as much as it just brings back a time when it was, and makes me feel like i'm keeping a huge secret from you. so i get this sick feeling because it's like there's something i want to tell you but can't. and i want to clear that feeling away so that i know once and for all so that i'll be able to tell if there were any underlying feelings, and what they actually are, so that i know how to manage them properly, if that makes any sense?

i don't know how much of it is residual feelings, or how much of it is me being irrationally jealous because you met her when we weren't talking. i hate to admit this because it sounds so petty, but it stings that the person you like is the person that you were getting close to while i was being locked out.

realistically, i know we needed that break because we were both in horrible places and we needed breathing room, and that it's totally a coincidence that that's when you two happened to cross paths. i know i wasn't the person you needed at the time and i'm honestly glad there was someone making you happy when i couldn't. it's just kind of rough to work through, and feelings are so stupid and irrational.

also, if we decide to never really talk about this again, i just want to tell you something that i have kept back SO MANY TIMES: every time you start having negative feelings about yourself, i want you to remember that you're amazing enough that i, the notoriously unfeeling and emotionally distant wall of lisa, totally fell for you. i don't say that to make you feel weird, but just so you fully realize the gravity of what an incredible person you have to be to do that. don't let your inner monologue lie to you and tell you you're anything less than goddamn incredible.

tl;dr i hate having secrets and need to let this one go so i can support you better. you're pretty much my best friend in the entire world aaaand i hope i didn't super screw that up.